Continued from Page 2 of Orange is the New Black 1.01: I Wasn't Ready
The van pulls up to their final destination, and it's time for the ladies to enter the jungle. Piper, looking as if she is seconds away from urinating herself in fear, squeezes her pillow to her body like it's a life raft. Her face screams "new fish" as she walks down what I shall call "Lesbian Row," a line of female inmates who predatorily leer at Piper and company. Oh man, prison really is
Piper: Wait a minute, this isn't summer camp!
|
scary.
Piper goes on to get the standard unflattering driver's license photo for her i.d. badge and is complimented for her lack of track marks on her arms from the prison physician. When asked if she has any tattoos, Piper reveals a small tropical fish on the back of her neck. She says she got it because she saw the fish on a scuba driving trip, which results in a flashback. Oh dear God, what is wrong with your hair?! Yes, I'm talking to you both, Piper and Alex. I understand you're going undercover, but still, were these looks the only ones left? Piper looks like an embittered divorcée who runs the local PTA and Alex has the hair of a dude trapped in a rockabilly film. I mean...whatever floats your boats guys. Alex has her arms around an unsure Piper, who is preparing to perform her first task for Alex and her "associates." Hmm, someone broke her word from earlier, stating Piper would never have to get involved. Not a good sign. Alex uses her sultry voice and her roaming hands to soothe Piper's fears about transporting |
drug money, and her techniques are working. Piper looks as if she's a starry-eyed puppy whose world begins and ends with the woman in front of her. Alex promises her everything will go perfectly, and with a soft kiss to her lips, both their fates have been sealed.
Flashing forward, we find Piper sitting across from her counselor Sam Healy discussing her case, and Piper explains that the reason she is currently sitting in prison is due to that one-time favor for Alex. Ouch, sorry about your luck. Healy attempts to
Flashing forward, we find Piper sitting across from her counselor Sam Healy discussing her case, and Piper explains that the reason she is currently sitting in prison is due to that one-time favor for Alex. Ouch, sorry about your luck. Healy attempts to
|
comfort her, assuring her, "Miss Chapman, no one's gonna mess with you here, unless you let them. This isn't Oz. Women fight with gossip and rumors." Oh, well Mr. Healy, please feel free to fuck yourself anytime you'd like.
More importantly, though, Healy warns Piper, "And there are lesbians." You promise? There better be. That's why I'm here. "They're not going to bother you. They'll try to be your friend. Just stay away from them. I want you to understand: You do not have to have lesbian sex." Right...but she can if she wants to, correct? Piper responds to Healy's sapphic alert with the face to the right. Healy continues to dole out delightful pieces of wisdom: "You just keep to yourself and you'll be fine. And don't make friends. And remember, nothing goes on here that I don't know about." Was that a threat? That seemed like a threat. I don't like this guy. Also, no friends? For 15 months, you want her to make zero friends. That's basically the opposite of what your |
The result of telling Piper Chapman "no lesbian sex"
|
parents tell you before you start school. Well, you know what? He didn't say no lovers. Piper, I just spotted a loophole.
The scene then cuts to a very sad looking Piper sitting on a bed while Larry scolds her for the newly-discovered Vauseman past. To be fair to Larry, he should not have had to find out about his girlfriend's past via court papers. Larry shames Piper, reminding her that he's disclosed all of his embarrassing and/or shameful past (which just so happens to include moments from Jason
The scene then cuts to a very sad looking Piper sitting on a bed while Larry scolds her for the newly-discovered Vauseman past. To be fair to Larry, he should not have had to find out about his girlfriend's past via court papers. Larry shames Piper, reminding her that he's disclosed all of his embarrassing and/or shameful past (which just so happens to include moments from Jason
I fucked a pie for you!
|
Biggs' character on American Pie). Piper, looking incredibly preppy, utters words that strike fear in any lesbian's heart: "It was a phase." Oh God, no.
Fortunately, we don't know exactly what Piper is calling a "phase" - she says it's her "lost soul, post-college adventure phase." I didn't hear "lesbian" in that, so I feel better. Piper goes on to say, "I can't believe that she did this," referring to Alex. Larry directs his disbelief and anger towards Piper, which causes her to burst into tears and to emit a very sad little wail of a whimper. Reacting as anyone does to a sobbing girlfriend, Larry immediately backs down and moves to comfort Piper. Ah, is there anyone immune to a weeping girlfriend? It's Kryptonite to any significant other of a female, at least in my experience. She explains to Larry, "I was twenty-two. I thought that I was in love...I was in love...and it was all crazy, and then it got scary. And I ran away, and I became the nice blond lady that I was supposed to be. I knew that she wasn't a good person, but fuck her. Fuck her!" I'd like to applaud her for |
correcting her "I thought that I was in love" to explicitly affirming that she was in love. That's a positive. Obviously, the result, not so much. Larry tells her that they'll figure it out together, which makes me like him, damn it. That's definitely a "good guy" move.
We return to present times with Piper walking through LCF's hallways for the first time. While Morello is showing the new girls the ropes, a woman walks up to fellow newbie Daya and, out of nowhere, smacks her hard across the face. Oh sweet Jesus! Watson, in an appropriate response, yells out, "What the fuck?" Thank you, Watson! (I feel like Sherlock Holmes.) Daya states, "It's my mom," as if that explains anything. Piper reacts in horror and squeezes her pillow even tighter.
We return to present times with Piper walking through LCF's hallways for the first time. While Morello is showing the new girls the ropes, a woman walks up to fellow newbie Daya and, out of nowhere, smacks her hard across the face. Oh sweet Jesus! Watson, in an appropriate response, yells out, "What the fuck?" Thank you, Watson! (I feel like Sherlock Holmes.) Daya states, "It's my mom," as if that explains anything. Piper reacts in horror and squeezes her pillow even tighter.
Piper: What...
Watson:...the...
Piper and Watson: fuck?!
Watson:...the...
Piper and Watson: fuck?!
Morello escorts Piper and Daya to their temporary room and bunkmates. Morello hands Piper some tissues and a toothbrush, which Piper greatly appreciates. Morello explains, "It's no problem. We look out for our own." What? Our own? What group is this? Engaged white girls in denial? When Piper asks for clarification of "our own," Morello says, "Oh, don't get all PC on me. It's tribal, not racist." Well, that's new.
A veteran inmate DeMarco introduces Piper to the ways of LCF and to her other roommates, and one of them, Mendoza, asks Piper whether she speaks any Spanish in an effort to shame the other Latina inmate Daya. Piper responds, "Un poco. Entiendo mas de lo que puedo hablar." (A little. I understand more than I can speak.) Mendoza turns back to Daya harshly commenting, "You see? Fucking white girl speaks Spanish." And now the other new inmate you came in with hates you too. Way to go, Piper.
Nicky Nichols jumps off the top bunk bed and with a smirk on her face, she asks Piper, "Look at you, blondie. What'd you do?"
"Aren't you not supposed to ask that question? I read that you're not supposed to ask this question," chastises Piper. Oh Lord, she's going to get beat up even earlier than I predicted. Did the book also tell you not to tell people that you read a book about prison? I would hope it did. Expectedly, the other inmates laugh at Piper, and after realizing the stupidity of her pre-prison studying, she turns back to Nichols, asking, "What did you do?"
Flashback time! A verging-on-hysterical Piper is trying to locate her bag full of drug money that apparently has not arrived yet. The man at the counter tells her he's having trouble understanding her French. She responds by telling him "Mon bag...bag...My
A veteran inmate DeMarco introduces Piper to the ways of LCF and to her other roommates, and one of them, Mendoza, asks Piper whether she speaks any Spanish in an effort to shame the other Latina inmate Daya. Piper responds, "Un poco. Entiendo mas de lo que puedo hablar." (A little. I understand more than I can speak.) Mendoza turns back to Daya harshly commenting, "You see? Fucking white girl speaks Spanish." And now the other new inmate you came in with hates you too. Way to go, Piper.
Nicky Nichols jumps off the top bunk bed and with a smirk on her face, she asks Piper, "Look at you, blondie. What'd you do?"
"Aren't you not supposed to ask that question? I read that you're not supposed to ask this question," chastises Piper. Oh Lord, she's going to get beat up even earlier than I predicted. Did the book also tell you not to tell people that you read a book about prison? I would hope it did. Expectedly, the other inmates laugh at Piper, and after realizing the stupidity of her pre-prison studying, she turns back to Nichols, asking, "What did you do?"
Flashback time! A verging-on-hysterical Piper is trying to locate her bag full of drug money that apparently has not arrived yet. The man at the counter tells her he's having trouble understanding her French. She responds by telling him "Mon bag...bag...My
|
bag hasn't arrived." Piper, the reason the man is having trouble understanding your French is because you aren't speaking French. Somehow, your Spanish is on point, but your French is très terrible. Just because you put "Mon" in a sentence does not a French sentence make. She is told just to patiently wait to see if the bag comes on another flight. She does, while having a mini-nervous breakdown, and when she spots her suitcase coming out of the baggage carousel, she shrieks in relief, yelling "Mon bag!" She looks like a person who just got chosen to be a contestant on a game show. Wow, your plan to go unnoticed and to look normal is going perfectly, Piper. I'll make sure to have you in my next drug ring.
Meanwhile, Alex, with her Bruno Mars-esque hair, calmly but nervously waits for her girlfriend/drug mule. Piper grabs her from behind, softly saying, "Bonjour," to which a thrilled Alex returns the greeting. When Piper explains where she came from, Alex realizes she unknowingly avoided getting her bag |
ZOMFG! ZOMFG! ZOMFG!
|
inspected by customs. Piper, being Piper, asks, "Well, should I go back?" Oh sweet Piper...I don't think you're cut out for being an international felon...or even someone who jaywalks. God bless you.
"Fuck no! We're going to the hotel. I am going to eat you for dinner," declares Alex as she turns to walk away. So, apparently, the more illegal an activity, the more turned on Alex is. Piper: beware. Piper grabs her and says quietly, "Alex, I was so freaked out when the bag didn't come, I almost bailed." Alex flippantly responds, "Well, it's a good thing you didn't. There's over fifty grand in that bag. Cooper would have had you killed." Oh, how lovely. If I was Piper, as soon as Alex said this, I would have soiled myself and sprinted far, far away. Alex says this while smiling and without realizing or without appreciating that the entire experience has been terrifying for Piper. Considering Piper did this purely out of love for Alex, it's pretty shitty that Alex didn't recognize how much she asked of Piper and how much Piper went through. Vauseman's stock is dropping at the moment.
"Fuck no! We're going to the hotel. I am going to eat you for dinner," declares Alex as she turns to walk away. So, apparently, the more illegal an activity, the more turned on Alex is. Piper: beware. Piper grabs her and says quietly, "Alex, I was so freaked out when the bag didn't come, I almost bailed." Alex flippantly responds, "Well, it's a good thing you didn't. There's over fifty grand in that bag. Cooper would have had you killed." Oh, how lovely. If I was Piper, as soon as Alex said this, I would have soiled myself and sprinted far, far away. Alex says this while smiling and without realizing or without appreciating that the entire experience has been terrifying for Piper. Considering Piper did this purely out of love for Alex, it's pretty shitty that Alex didn't recognize how much she asked of Piper and how much Piper went through. Vauseman's stock is dropping at the moment.