Published on October 26, 2013
The first episode of Orange is the New Black is appropriately named "I Wasn't Ready" because when the show opens up, nobody is ready for what is to come. Not the lead character Piper Chapman and certainly not the audience. When I heard there might be some gay lady action in Orange is the New Black, I decided to, at least, give it a shot. The quantity and quality of this alleged
Sweet mother of mercy!
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lesbian content was unknown, and after being disappointed time and time again by this same enticement, my expectations were low.
I pressed play for the first episode and kept the screen in the corner of my eye, while focusing on other tasks at hand. I heard the voice of Piper Chapman opening the show by describing her love for getting clean. Then suddenly, something caught my eye. That something is the image to the left. And in that moment, I realized I was going to be watching the entire season. I cleared my desk, put the screen front and center, and dedicated the next few days of my life to Orange is the New Black. Of the many bad life choices I regularly make, this was not one of them. Once I had sufficiently recovered from the unabashed gay on my screen, I refocused on the show itself and tried to watch for the |
"substance" of the show. Fortunately, it has it in spades.
A cruel buzzer interrupts Piper's "happy place" and also snaps us back into reality. Piper is showering in the prison bathrooms, shivering beneath the cold water, while outside an impatient Taystee Jefferson waits for her turn. As Piper vacates her stall, Taystee notices her breasts, referring to them as "t.v. titties" due to their perkiness. Uh, you can say "thank you"! Rude. Piper appears uncomfortable with this
A cruel buzzer interrupts Piper's "happy place" and also snaps us back into reality. Piper is showering in the prison bathrooms, shivering beneath the cold water, while outside an impatient Taystee Jefferson waits for her turn. As Piper vacates her stall, Taystee notices her breasts, referring to them as "t.v. titties" due to their perkiness. Uh, you can say "thank you"! Rude. Piper appears uncomfortable with this
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statement, but once Taystee has made her way into the shower, Piper surveys her own chest, giving a satisfied smile. Aw, see! Prison can be good for your self-image! It's not all bad. This moment also reminds me of the horrid "nipple confidence" scene from the pilot episode of The L Word. I much prefer "t.v. titties" to "nipple confidence," but hey, to each her own.
The show then cuts back to the eve of Piper going to prison, where she, her fiancè Larry, her very pregnant best friend Polly, and Polly's husband Pete are all "enjoying" a pig roast before Piper starts serving her sentence. The setting is very upper-middle class and very white. They're in a nicely-decorated back yard drinking specialty beverages, wearing pleasant sweater sets, and trying out a trendy foodie contraption - La Caja China. The show might as well have put up the subtitle "White Bread" as soon as the scene opened. Something |
Damn, I do have tv titties. Or at least internet-streaming titties
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makes me think Piper's future fellow inmates did not have a similar prison eve's send-off.
After dinner is over, both Piper and Larry are lying in bed trying to have one last night of sexy times, but, unfortunately, their food babies are getting in the way. Before things heat up, Piper runs to the bathroom for a quick stop. Well, it was supposed to
After dinner is over, both Piper and Larry are lying in bed trying to have one last night of sexy times, but, unfortunately, their food babies are getting in the way. Before things heat up, Piper runs to the bathroom for a quick stop. Well, it was supposed to
Just finished watching Warehouse 13's episode 4.15: Instinct
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be quick, but soon enough, the reality of what awaits Piper the following day hits her and she starts to quietly weep. She eventually pulls herself together, and after calling Larry "beautiful," she rejoins him in bed and the two finish what they set out to do.
The next day, Piper and Larry are driving in their eco-friendly automobile to Litchfield Correctional Facility in upstate New York, so Piper can turn herself in. Piper's anxiety begins to rapidly increase, and she panics when looking at the mirror in the visor: "I look like shit. My eyes are all puffy." Oh Piper...your priorities are gruesomely out of sort. Larry, thinking the same thing, asks her, "You're worried about how you look?" Piper explains, "Well, they're going to know that I was crying. It's a sign of weakness. You can't show any weakness. That's what all of the books said." Oh Lord, she studied for prison. I bet she even read these Prison 101 books on her iPad while drinking fair-trade organic coffee. She is like a lamb going in for the slaughter. |
Inside LCF, Piper sits down in the lobby with Larry, waiting to be processed. The two of them munch on deli sandwiches as if they are on a picnic while on a tour of U.S. prisons.
The scene then cuts to Piper sitting with her family and explaining her upcoming stay at LCF. Looking as WASPish as ever, Piper and Larry sit on a sofa across from her parents, brother, and grandmother, and we catch the end of her confession: "So, I never carried drugs. Just money."
Focused on what really matters, Piper's mother jumps in, "You were a lesbian?"
Piper responds, with Larry grimacing in the background, "At the time." Um, it doesn't work that way, Piper, but I get it, you're with your family.
With the standard brother response, Cal asks, "You still a lesbian?" Good question, Cal.
The scene then cuts to Piper sitting with her family and explaining her upcoming stay at LCF. Looking as WASPish as ever, Piper and Larry sit on a sofa across from her parents, brother, and grandmother, and we catch the end of her confession: "So, I never carried drugs. Just money."
Focused on what really matters, Piper's mother jumps in, "You were a lesbian?"
Piper responds, with Larry grimacing in the background, "At the time." Um, it doesn't work that way, Piper, but I get it, you're with your family.
With the standard brother response, Cal asks, "You still a lesbian?" Good question, Cal.
Future members of PFLAG
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Cal Chapman: Totally on board with "lesbian Piper"
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Piper replies, in annoyance, "No, I am not still a lesbian."
"You sure?" asks Piper's fiancé, to which he receives an exhausted look of non-amusement. Bro, you won't be getting any tonight.
Piper's grandmother then quietly tells Cal, "I once kissed Mary Straley when I was at Miss Porter's school, but it wasn't for me."
He appropriately responds, "Wow." Apparently, it is "Awkward Confession Night" at the Chapman household.
When Piper's father inquires as to whether Larry knew about any of Piper's past, he throws her under the bus, telling her family that he had no idea she had a lesbian lover who was in charge of a drug smuggling ring. When asked what she did with the drug money, she confesses, "I wasn't really in it for the money." Aw, she violated federal laws for love. Piper's grandmother
"You sure?" asks Piper's fiancé, to which he receives an exhausted look of non-amusement. Bro, you won't be getting any tonight.
Piper's grandmother then quietly tells Cal, "I once kissed Mary Straley when I was at Miss Porter's school, but it wasn't for me."
He appropriately responds, "Wow." Apparently, it is "Awkward Confession Night" at the Chapman household.
When Piper's father inquires as to whether Larry knew about any of Piper's past, he throws her under the bus, telling her family that he had no idea she had a lesbian lover who was in charge of a drug smuggling ring. When asked what she did with the drug money, she confesses, "I wasn't really in it for the money." Aw, she violated federal laws for love. Piper's grandmother
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disgustedly reacts to this saying, "Oh Piper, for heaven's sake." Grandma's all about making that paper.
Back at prison, Piper prepares to make a final post on her website/social media, but the guard notices the phone and tells her it is forbidden. She turns to Larry, saying, "Oh my God, Larry, by the time I get out, there'll have been three new generations of iPhones." Well, that cements it; Piper is the kid who gets beat up on the playground for saying horribly obnoxious things. Only now, instead of a playground, it's a prison yard and the beatings involve a sharp object. Larry quickly runs off to take the phone to the car, but, of course, as soon as he leaves, a guard comes to finally take Piper. When Larry returns, he and Piper say their goodbyes. They cling to |
Larry: I'll never let go
Piper: Um, I think the guard's taser says otherwise |
each other like they are being separated during the sinking of the Titanic. They exchange "I love you"s and Piper adds, "Please keep my website updated." Sadly, I think I would make a similar request, "Please reblog only quality posts on my Tumblr. Don't post anything about a ship I haven't pre-approved." Very emotional stuff.
Baby Larry wipes his snot-bubbles and tears away and slowly stumbles out the door, leaving Piper fully in the hands of LCF. It's time to serve time.
Baby Larry wipes his snot-bubbles and tears away and slowly stumbles out the door, leaving Piper fully in the hands of LCF. It's time to serve time.