Continued from Page 1 of Orange is the New Black 1.01: I Wasn't Ready
As Piper begins her stay at LCF, she continues to show how out of touch she is with the world she is entering when she references TOMS shoes to a disinterested guard. She is told to strip, triggering a very delightful flashback. Enter Vauseman:
Alex: Come hither
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Piper: Hithering...
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We see a long-haired Piper sensuously swaying her hips to the song "Let's Move & Groove Together" by Benny Latimore, which catches the eyes of one Alex Vause. Piper's giving Alex "bedroom eyes" like nobody's business, and it's working. Alex puts her book down and orders, "Get over here." Oh yes, Alex, oh yes. As Pipers continues her stripper tutorial, Alex silently mouths "Come here," while curling her finger in a "Get yo ass over here" type of way. Enjoying Alex's reaction, Piper takes a turn around the (bed) pole and softly asks, "Are you gonna miss me?"
Answering in the only way anyone could respond to that, Alex affirms, "Yes," and after taking another lust-filled look over her girlfriend's gyrating body, Alex comments, "Too much." She then says, "Come with me."
Piper quietly replies, "What?"
"Come to Bali. Come with me, I mean it. I'll buy you a plane ticket," offers Alex, matter-of-factly.
With hope in her voice, Piper questions, "Are you serious?"
Alex: "Yes."
The two of them close in on one another and Alex tells Piper to quit her job to come with her. Hmmm...I can't say I recommend making yourself wholly dependent on a drug dealer, but...Alex and her sexy low voice are also really mesmerizing. Apparently, it affects Piper in a similar manner, who playfully asks, "Will I get in trouble?"
Answering in the only way anyone could respond to that, Alex affirms, "Yes," and after taking another lust-filled look over her girlfriend's gyrating body, Alex comments, "Too much." She then says, "Come with me."
Piper quietly replies, "What?"
"Come to Bali. Come with me, I mean it. I'll buy you a plane ticket," offers Alex, matter-of-factly.
With hope in her voice, Piper questions, "Are you serious?"
Alex: "Yes."
The two of them close in on one another and Alex tells Piper to quit her job to come with her. Hmmm...I can't say I recommend making yourself wholly dependent on a drug dealer, but...Alex and her sexy low voice are also really mesmerizing. Apparently, it affects Piper in a similar manner, who playfully asks, "Will I get in trouble?"
Vause lines up...
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Vause scores!
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"God, I hope so," grunts out a very turned-on Alex who begins the PG-13 and up contact with Piper. Alex assures her that she only has to come along for the ride, but does not have to participate in any illegal activities. Alex proceeds to move her hands further south, imploring Piper, "Come on babe, I want you to come...and I want you to come." Oh dear God.
For the record, in the battle of the boudoirs, the Vauseman bedroom beats out the Larry/Piper bedroom by a mile. One has sexy ladies who can't keep their hands off one another, and the other contains a couple who has sex due to obligation, which was preceded by solitary weeping in the bathroom. It's not even close.
Returning back to Piper's intake into prison, she's standing nude in front of the guard when a dreaded directive is uttered: "Squat." When she complies, the guard follows up by stating, "Spread your cheeks and cough." Yeah, there's just no way to make that sexy at all.
Piper's nightmarish prison orientation eases up when she finally takes a seat on a van being driven by none other than fellow inmate, Lorna Morello. Morello, completely at ease, offers Piper some comfort in her heavy Boston accent, "It's not so bad.
For the record, in the battle of the boudoirs, the Vauseman bedroom beats out the Larry/Piper bedroom by a mile. One has sexy ladies who can't keep their hands off one another, and the other contains a couple who has sex due to obligation, which was preceded by solitary weeping in the bathroom. It's not even close.
Returning back to Piper's intake into prison, she's standing nude in front of the guard when a dreaded directive is uttered: "Squat." When she complies, the guard follows up by stating, "Spread your cheeks and cough." Yeah, there's just no way to make that sexy at all.
Piper's nightmarish prison orientation eases up when she finally takes a seat on a van being driven by none other than fellow inmate, Lorna Morello. Morello, completely at ease, offers Piper some comfort in her heavy Boston accent, "It's not so bad.
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Everyone's okay. Gotta watch out for the stealing." As she says that, Piper not-so-subtly moves her belongings away from Watson sitting right beside her. Piper, at least wait until Watson isn't staring directly your way before you indirectly accuse her of potential theft.
Morello goes on to ask Piper's opinion of wedding dresses, causing her to flash back to a vacation she recently had with Larry. While at the beach, Larry is recording Piper showing him a phallic rock she found. She tells Larry, "Seriously, shut it off. I'm so fat from all this stress eating, I really don't want a record of it." Larry puts the camera down, but says nothing to |
Step 1 of "How to Get Shanked in Prison"
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this comment. Good God man, what is wrong with you?! When your girlfriend puts herself down, you quickly respond, "Baby, you look beautiful. What are you talking about? Don't say that about yourself!" You say this not because you're lying, but because it's true. Instead, Piper's self-criticism is met with the chirping of crickets. No bro, no.
Soon enough, though, Mr. Clueless reveals his plans for this beach jaunt. He pulls out a plastic bag containing a diamond ring, and when Piper sees what's coming, she says, "Oh Jesus, Larry, why would you want..."
Soon enough, though, Mr. Clueless reveals his plans for this beach jaunt. He pulls out a plastic bag containing a diamond ring, and when Piper sees what's coming, she says, "Oh Jesus, Larry, why would you want..."
Larry: Why did you flinch when I said "former lesbian"?
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"Why would I want a felonious, former lesbian, WASP, shiksa who's about to go to prison to marry me?" finishes Larry. I'm not sure all of those adjectives are entirely accurate, but as River Song would say, "Spoilers."
"Yes! And all of the stress eating..." Oh dear God, Piper, what is with you and the stress eating?! You are a size zero and if you've "blown up" because of your stress eating, you've blown up to a size zero. You've got to let it go! Sweetly, Larry answers, "Well, because this peculiar under-achieving, under-employed Jew-boy loves her and knows that he will never be |
bored and can't believe how lucky he is that he met her. I gotta lock this shit down before you leave, Pipes. I love you. You wanna marry me?" True enough Larry, you will never be bored. Good luck to you. Touched by his speech, Piper accepts his proposal and Larry goes from boyfriend to fiancé right then and there.
Back in the present, Watson, who has been silent up until now, asks a very good question of Morello, "You think your man is still going to be around when you're out?"
Morello confidently replies, "Yeah, he'll be there. I'm the love of his life."
A skeptical Watson comments, "Thirty-four months is a long time."
"Yeah, but she's the love of his life," adds Piper. Bad move.
Watson: "Who the fuck asked you?" Well, I can't argue with that. Piper turns around in stunned silence. Better move.
Back in the present, Watson, who has been silent up until now, asks a very good question of Morello, "You think your man is still going to be around when you're out?"
Morello confidently replies, "Yeah, he'll be there. I'm the love of his life."
A skeptical Watson comments, "Thirty-four months is a long time."
"Yeah, but she's the love of his life," adds Piper. Bad move.
Watson: "Who the fuck asked you?" Well, I can't argue with that. Piper turns around in stunned silence. Better move.
Piper: Please don't hurt me